DEALING WITH TEENAGERS

Sibling Rivalry....

Sibling rivalry occurs when a

brothers and sisters fight with each other and don't get along well. Often there is a certain amount of problems that arise

out of one sibling being older that the other and being able to do more than the younger. Sibling rivalry is a normal part of any kid or teens life.

The word rivalry involves the idea of a competition - and that is what most sibling rivalry is - a competition between the two siblings for their parents or others attention.

What's Sibling Rivalry?

Sibling rivalry can be a good thing. Competition is a healthy thing in anyone's lives and rivalry is common amongst siblings. Everyone experiences feelings of rivalry and competition. Often rivalry involves arguing. Everyone argues - adults and children, husbands and wives and even friends. It is important for you to remember that although you may argue with your brother or sister you still need to be fair and supportive to them.

Siblings fight for a number of reasons.

* They fight because they want a parent's attention, and the parent has only so much time, attention and patience to give.

* They fight because they are jealous: "He got a new bike. I didn't. They must love him more than they love me."

* They fight over ordinary teasing which is a way of testing the effects of behavior and words on another person: "He called me..." "But she called me...first."

* They fight because they are growing up in a competitive society that teaches them that to win is to be better: "I saw it first." "I beat you to the water."

DEALING WITH FRUSTRATION

The emotion of frustration is a mixture of painful feelings. Some of the accompanying emotions are feeling irritated, even anger, weariness, upset, and unhappiness. When you feel extremely frustrated, your judgment will get distorted. You might lose interest, become critical, or give up and stop taking further action. You might also cover up your dissatisfaction by diverting it through different channels like overeating, binge drinking or any other activities that will replace the frustrating feeling.

Causes of the Emotion of Frustration

1. When you don't feel satisfied with the result from your efforts.
   
   
   
2. When you feel letdown.
   
   
   
3. When someone or something thwarts your plan.
   
   
   
4. When you feel unappreciated.
   
   
   
5. If you are living in denial.
   
   
   
6. When your needs are not met.
   
   
   
7. From cumulative and mounting challenges.

Dealing with the Emotion of Frustration

Plan out something new or different...

When you don't get the results that you anticipated from your efforts, maybe, just maybe, you have overlooked a few things that you should have done. Go through your list and see what works and what needs deletion.

What you can do now is prepare and plan out a new strategy. Do something else and different from your original plan. The more new and different things that you do, the better are the chances of getting it right. The next thing that you attempt could provide the solution and the result that you desire.

There is always something that you can do to change or improve the results. It may take time but every little thing that you do each day will get you there. Brainstorm new ideas and go ahead and try them.

Gather more information to obtain better ideas. Emulate those who have achieved what you desire and use their experiences to help you through.

Visualize the end result and take control of your thoughts...

Visualize what you want to happen. Don't imagine what you don't want because anything that you experience in your life, you first create it in your mind. Keep focusing on that goal and repeat the visualization exercise as often as possible.

When you encounter roadblocks and barriers, it is difficult to stay motivated. But you can make the emotion of frustration trip shorter when you are able to take control of your thoughts. Accept and acknowledge that "shit happens." It is the ability to challenge your negative self talk that will help you improve how you feel. Change the words and pictures that you describe and interpret things and your feeling will change. If you can't discipline your mind to form new thoughts and pictures, try the powerful words and images tool called MindMaster. It is a tool to help you reach whatever your goals are, easier and faster. Get the free trial.

Acceptance

One of the reasons you get frustrated at work or in your relationships with others is because you want things and people to conform to your needs. It's wasting your effort.

Everyone has his own motives and desires. You cannot make someone change his mind unless he wants to. Of course you can appeal, bribe or threaten. But this method produces a result that is short-lived.

Accept people for what they are. Better yourself instead. Learn to communicate and interact effectively.

If you are upset with your working or living condition, you can either accept and make the best of what you have or better still change, either yourself or the situation.

What if your needs are not met...

If you were a kid, there is a reason for you to have your needs unmet and causes the emotion of frustration. Kids don't have much option. They rely and depend on their parents.

But you are not. You are an adult, a mature and capable oneIf you are dissatisfied with your life experiences, it's partly your fault. You have not done enough or done what you should. You have not communicated your needs clearly. You may not have been honest with yourself or the other person. Or worst, you don't know what you really want and because of that, allowed things to just happen.Happiness is a choice and you are responsible for your own. Do things to meet your own needs. People around you will reciprocate to your enthusiasm.

Trust and have faith...

Trust that there is a solution to what is causing you the emotion of frustration. The result that you are getting now may seem not worth mentioning. Have faith that by putting in more or different concentrated efforts, you are allowing the invincible power to give you what you are expecting. Strengthen your mind and spirit...through the tough times and think only about the next tiny step you can take to make a difference. Take time to reflect each day, listen to your hunches and promptings and trust your intuition. They can lead you to the right direction and give you the answers that you need.

Release and let go of emotional block...

An event or incident that happened in your past is stored inside you and is contributing the your present state. Unless you release this memory, you will feel frustrated every time something that look or feel similar occur. Just let go !

5 THINGS A MAN NEEDS TO DO IN A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP

What kind of man does a woman really want?

Here are five of the lessons I learned on my journey for wisdom on what a man in a relationship should be:

Lesson #1: Take responsibility

Learn from Adam. Don't do things you know are wrong and then blame others. If you make a mistake, take responsibility for your actions. One of the meanings of the word "husband" is someone who skillfully manages his household. A manager takes responsibility. As Adam experienced, there is little sympathy for a man who blames a woman for something that has gone wrong. He's often still held responsible. People will ask him, "Why did you let it go on?" A man has to look at himself and see how he can change his own actions to properly handle similar situations.

Lesson #2: Show leadership

If a man wants to be seen as worthy and have a good relationship with a woman, he has to show leadership. When he sees a situation that needs to be dealt with, he should step forward and handle it. People admire those who step forward to handle difficult situations. We don't admire those who stand back and wait for others to solve the problem.

Some men avoid taking the lead because they don't want to be criticized. They think they're playing it safe. A man should say, "I'll handle it," and take the initiative to find solutions. If he's not sure what the solution is, do what other leaders do -- consult the many sources of information available.

Lesson #3: Make decisions

One of the meanings of the word "manly" is being decisive. A man needs to make decisions and take responsibility for the outcome. If he's reluctant to make decisions, she may resent him. Part of making decisions is understanding the other person's views and being flexible. She doesn't want someone controlling her, but she also doesn't want someone who leaves every decision to her. A man who is afraid of making a wrong decision should ask himself: Who should make decisions? -- someone who isn't afraid of making mistakes.

Lesson #4: Be strong

The Talmud asks: Who is strong? He who can control his passions (Ethics of the Fathers, 4:1). Someone who can control his anger is better than a physically strong man who can conquer a city. Blowing up in anger can seriously damage a relationship. If a man thinks he can't control his anger, he should imagine being angry at someone, the telephone rings and it's his boss. Would he calm down? Of course, or he'd lose his job. Not getting angry doesn't mean he accepts bad treatment; he calmly sets limits on the treatment he accepts from others.

Lesson #5: Be manly

Being manly is not being macho. Manliness is the positive qualities of decisiveness, strength in one's convictions, confidence, self-reliance, high moral qualities, self discipline, honesty and integrity. A man who is manly has courage to be able to deal with difficulty, pain or danger without backing away despite his fear.

To women: ask your husband to read this. To men: ask your wife if this is what she wants. You may be surprised at her response.

7 Things to Consider Before You Get Married

You want a rewarding and fulfilling marriage? You can have one, but you need a dose of reality first. Here are things you need to say “I do” to before walking down the aisle…

1. Have a sense of Humour
A sense of humor is vital, and the first person you have to laugh at is yourself. Consider this- men and women have to hook up on some level to propagate the species, proving God has a sense of humor. He obviously assumed we would too.

2. Do you know you’ll have to work? Hard?
I solicited the opinion of dozens of women for this topic, and the feedback was unanimous. You have to be willing to work. Some women think if you’re a perfect match, your marriage shouldn’t be work. Those people are called divorcees. It’s true your marriage shouldn’t be work every hour of every day, but there will be days when your marriage will require extra energy (a term I prefer over “work”). Like Grandpa used to say, anything worth having is worth working for. Welcome to Marriage 101.

3. Do you realize marriage is not 50/50?
Gotcha! You figure you’ll give half, he’ll give half and you’ll meet somewhere in the middle. You poor, poor dear. The reality is, there will be some days you’ll give 90% and you may or may not get 10% back. There may be weeks or months that pass with the scales out of whack. Remember- you committed your whole life to him, and in your lifetime the scales will shift back in your favor. Interestingly, the scales will align faster if you abandon the scorecard and self-pity.

4. Do you have a general acceptance of your significant other’s shortcomings?
Does he leave the toilet seat up? Get over it. Are his table manners a fright? Look the other way. Is he a tight-wad? You better be at one with strict budgets. Try seeing your new hubby’s annoying habits as endearing. In addition to his positive traits, his quirks make him who he is. Figure out a way to truly accept the whole package- the good, the bad and the ugly.

5. Do you have expectations of your marriage or soon-to-be-spouse?
If you said “I do” to this one, start goggling divorce attorneys now. Fundamental expectations like being treated well, being faithful, or being honest are covered by your wedding vows. If you want a long lasting marriage, let go of any romance novel or Lifetime movie expectations you have. The men in Hollywood are actors. Real men, generally speaking, are not geared for romance and eloquent, loving speeches. With this attitude, you’ll better enjoy the thoughtful little things your new husband does. Lowered expectations and happily ever after go hand in hand.

6. Do you know comparisons are a death sentence for marriages?
Like fingerprints, marriages are unique and specific to the two individuals involved and the one-of-a-kind bond they create. Instead of scowling at your husband when your friend brags about the romantic vacation her husband took her on, just smile. Maybe your friend left out how her husband ogled other women on the beach or said something at dinner that made her cry. You never know what goes on behind closed doors- be secure in what you and your husband share and the knowledge that it works for you.

7. Do you know your fiancé is bilingual?
Read a couple books about how men communicate or have a sit-down with your aunts and grandma. We think we grasp the Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus concept, but we don’t. He may not say “I love you” 14 times a day, but he might fill your car when it’s out of gas, maybe he’ll cover you with a blanket when you’re cold, he may bring you a glass of wine when you’re in the tub, or he might listen to stories about the kids when he just wants to crawl in a hole and go to sleep. You have to learn to read, understand and appreciate man-speak.

In order for a marriage to be successful, reality can’t be sugar-coated. Long term commitments are not for the faint of heart. A lasting union takes a great deal of love, patience, true grit and guts. The benefits are countless. I’ll leave you to discover those on your own.

Understanding Jealousy

Is Jealousy a Wasted Emotion or a Healthy Response?

The Merriam-Webster’s Online Dictionary defines jealousy as, “intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness, disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness.” It sounds simple but jealousy is a very complex emotion.

Understanding Jealousy

Jealousy is a reactionary emotion so by its very nature it has a reason. Jealousy is a very natural and normal emotional response to a perceived threat. Getting jealous is not necessarily bad. Problems arise when your jealousy gets unmanageable and your behaviors get out of control.

3 KINDS OF JEALOUSY:

Irrational Jealousy:

This is a type of jealousy brought on by imagined or misperceived events. Irrational jealousy is never healthy. It is based on paranoia and insecurity not in reality. People suffering from an irrational jealousy rely heavily on their feelings that something is wrong even though there are no real signs that these feelings have merit.

Without reliable external validation of their jealousy irrationally jealous individuals often sink in to a depression based on paranoia. They are convinced that they are right to be jealous even when the evidence does not support their beliefs. It is very difficult to show them the truth.

Irrational jealousy is best treated by therapy. If you find yourself feeling jealous often and can’t calm yourself with rationalization consider seeking professional help.

Destructive Jealousy:

Destructive jealousy is based in reality. The emotional threat that is provoking the jealousy is real and can be backed up with external evidence. The reasons for the jealousy are valid. The way this jealousy plays out is the problem.

When feeling a destructive jealousy people usually lash out at the person or people who have caused them harm. It is an angry jealousy that is based in revenge. It is not an effective protection mechanism because the focus is on hurting back not reaching a solution.

The best way to manage a destructive jealousy is by getting counseling. In counseling you will be able to talk through the situation with an impartial third party. You will get to vent in a safe environment. In counseling you will likely learn anger management techniques to help you control your need for revenge.

Proactive Jealousy:

Proactive jealousy is a jealousy that is based on a real threat to ones emotional security. The purpose of any jealousy is to avoid being hurt or to lessen hurt that has already happened but sometimes jealousy makes people do crazy things. A proactive jealousy rarely manifests as violence or self harm. While anger is a part of this type of jealousy it never takes control of actions.

This type of jealousy works as a protection mechanism. The jealous feelings lead to productive actions, like ending a bad relationship or getting out of an unhealthy friendship. The primary concern of this type of jealousy is self preservation not revenge or retribution.

Controlling Jealousy

Jealousy is a form of anger brought on by a fear of loss. Controlling jealousy is very much like controlling anger. When you feel yourself growing jealous the first thing you must do is calm down. Take some deep breaths, try to relax and then take an honest look at the situation.

Never allow yourself to go off in a jealous rage, it takes away from any validity to your feelings and makes it very easy for others to dismiss you. Approach the situation in a calm but stern fashion. State your point of view without throwing around accusations and keep the emphasis on how what is happening makes you feel.

Avoid pointing the finger or calling out others on their behaviors. Own the jealousy for what it is, your reaction, and try to reach a real solution rather than just vent your hurt feelings. A little venting is healthy but try to keep the focus on the real problem.

Learn From Jealousy

Listen to what the other people have to say about the situation that has provoked a jealous response from you. Their perspective may be very different from yours and it is possible that you don’t have the full story about what is going on. There are many innocent situations that can be misinterpreted as something sinister. Make sure you know as much as possible before getting jealous.

Jealousy exists to protect you from harm, not to control the behavior of others. It is an emotion that can get out of control if you let it. Your can never control another person but you can help yourself when that person is hurting you. Healthy jealousy can help you identify and deal with some of life’s more unpleasant lessons.

7 Ways to Building Trust in a Relationship

1. Be predictable. Forget the magazines and TV shows that say you must stir up the pot. It’s nonsense. Being consistent and reliable goes much, much further than that in terms of trusting your partner.


2. Your words must match what you do. In so many words, you need to show sincerity with your words. They say verbal cues are a very small part of total communication and that is so true. I call it “passive aggressive” when you are unhappy but show a happy face. But I think you know what I mean here.

3. You have to trust your partner’s instinct. I mean come on here! How can you expect anybody for that matter, to trust you if you don’t trust them? Trusting is a two way street.

4. Don’t lie by omission. Don’t keep secrets from your partner. Because once your partner finds out about something you are keeping a secret (and believe me they will), you better believe they won’t be able to trust you anymore. And why keep secrets from your partner? You have to keep track of the lies to build bigger lies to bury the previous lies. And it goes on and on. It is way too much work. In my opinion, it is a total energy waster that can be easily made to go away by telling the truth.

5. Don’t expect your Partner to know what you need.Your partner isn’t a mind reader. It is OK to be literal here. And don’t worry, you won’t seem selfish here because your partner knows that relationships is give and go. Being reluctant to communicate your needs to your partner will just worry them needlessly. So tell your partner what you want !

6. Be willing to say “No.” if need be. Suppose your partner communicates a needs that you don’t want to give, it is OK to say no. On the other hand, it is OK for your partner to ask. But think about it this way, your partner will respect you more if you don’t say yes to everything. Being a separate person helps build trust in a relationship.

7. A relationship is a living and breathing thing. It takes work for it to be a handsome tree rather than a sickly bush. Don’t be afraid to deal with crisis, emotions and questions from your relationship. You should embrace it and look for solutions that will bring you closer. Continue to grow your relationship!

Six Steps on How to Become More Influential

Success requires influence. To achieve your goals, you need to get people to think, feel and act differently. And you are not alone. Everyone else is hoping to be influential too, so you have to be more influential than your competitors to win. When you are highly influential, you set the course and others will help you along the way - they will help you to become successful. Without influence you are likely to be an also ran, the runner up or more likely - you will come last!

1. Assess Your Skills. Give yourself a score out of 10 for each of the seven dimensions of influencing skill - 10 being perfect. The dimensions are Self Awareness; Understanding Others; Understanding Groups; Influencing Others; Influencing Groups; Networking and Building Trust.

2. Prioritise One Dimension. Which of these, if improved, would give you the biggest gain? They are all important but some are more important depending on your situation. Now figure out three actions you can take to become better in this area.

3. Focus Your Personal Power. This is what makes you influential without even acting. These are the assets you own (either tangible or intangible) which cause people to do, think or feel differently. Which of the ten sources of personal power could you build on? The ten are Network; Intrapersonal; Interpersonal; Force; Technical; Image; Impact; Status; Resource and Physical. Identify one area and find three actions you can take.

4. Consider Your Style. The manner or behaviour you use when you try to influence can make or break your attempt. Different people have different styles and you can flex your style to suit. So review the type of behaviour you prefer, how this differs from those you want to influence and find ways to become more flexible. Identify one person to adopt a different style with.

5. Get Feedback. With all of these steps it really helps if you can use some trusted friends as a sounding board. How do they see you? What do they think you could improve on? No point in continuing to delude yourself - so get real and find out what they think so you can start to improve. Talk to one person within the next week.

6. Focus on Goals. This is the key - make sure that you apply all of the above on a specific goal you want to influence. This helps you to implement your learning and move forward your success. Define two goals for today.

These steps cover all of the main areas you need to focus on to become more influential. If you use these to find things to do to improve, you will always be moving forward.